It's a beautiful day


By Sparklingjem.

Once upon a time in a little town called Bethlehem a child was born. Following a series of unfortunate events,the child was finally born and placed in a manger. As the years rolled by, his birth created a series of much happier events now termed "the annual festival of Christmas." This is how it happened.

God looked down upon the earth using Google Maps. The people lived in a world of pain, prejudice, anger, greed and violence. He was sorry for the humans and wished he could make them happy. But since he had authored many books on leadership principles, he knew that he could not make them change their ways, he must lead by example. Unfortunately, He was a very busy man. He did not have time to demonstrate to the people of earth the power of love and forgiveness. After much thought he decided to create a son to lead the people of earth.

On another planet lived a race of aliens who were advanced far beyond the people of earth. They had great knowledge of all things, including obstetrics, and so God called upon them for advice. Communicating via Google Wave, they advised him on a time saving, energy efficient method they called Immaculate Conception. Then God chose Mary, who was pure of heart and sent the alien Gabriel to her. Gabriel explained everything and got her signature on the medical consent forms. God wanted his son to be born with the best possible care. He arranged for the aliens to send a spaceship to pick Mary up when the baby was about to be born. They agreed to rendezvous in a quiet little town called Bethlehem to avoid the paparazzi. When Mary arrived in Bethlehem accompanied by her DGF, Joseph, the aliens were nowhere to be found. Allegedly their GPS kept asking them to make a left turn where there was none and so they got lost.




Tom Cruise: Official Scientology Mascot.




In yesterday’s paper, Bethlehem had been given the prestigious “Best secret tourist destination on earth” award and it was now completely overrun with tourists; there was not a room to be found in any of the 384 hotels which had sprung up overnight. Mary persuaded a friendly inn keeper to let them rest in his old stables.


The stress of the whole fiasco sent Mary into early labour. Joseph called for the midwife, so the innkeepers wife sent the bell boy down to the pub. The midwife was dead drunk but he found an American paramedic on holiday with “Happy Trampling Tours” who was only slightly tipsy. He delivered a healthy baby boy whom Mary called Jesus Christ, after her favorite super star.
The aliens eventually found Mary using Google Latitude and parked their space ship above the stable. The landing lights lit up the sky and three wise men who believed that the earth was a small part of a large universe filled with many planets and peoples saw them. Bearing gifts, they followed the light to welcome the aliens to earth.

While three shepherds watched their flocks by night, they passed the time taking ‘shrooms. They also saw the light and a voice told them to follow it, so they did. The light led them to the stable where everyone in the pub including the ”Happy Trampling Tours” group was celebrating Jesus Christ’s birth. The wine, beer and spirits were flowing freely and everyone was having a good time. The aliens were gathered around the baby when the wise men came in and fell to their knees offering up gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. The aliens were pleased with the gifts and agreed to take the wise men to their spaceship. The wise men were so amazed by what they saw, they left immediately to begin the Church of Scientology.

The Innkeeper was so happy that his inn had reached number ONE in Google search so he decided to give all the factory rejects from his toy factory in the North Pole away as gifts, instead of selling them at a discounted price. A local shop keeper explained to a fascinated group of tourists that it was customary in Bethlehem to exchange gifts when a child was born. Just as he had hoped, the tourists were enthralled by this idea and expressed a wish to participate in this local custom. The shopkeeper nobly offered to open his shop and the word went round quickly. Very soon everyone was happily exchanging gifts and his yearly accounts showed a huge profit for the first time in many years. They continued drinking far into the night and into the next day. When God looked down he was happy to see his son’s arrival had brought such goodwill amongst all men. The celebrations lasted for twelve days and on the twelfth day all the happy travellers travelled on and everywhere they went they spread the word of Christmas.

Chapter One: First Impressions - Part 1

It was three weeks before my departure date and I took every chance I could to spend as much time with family and friends. I also made sure I let all my enemies know where I was going, "To the United States of America -Land of the free and home of the brave. If I had known the chant at that juncture I would have run the streets naked chanting," USA! USA! USA!" It would have been just like in the1986 Olympics when USA defeated communist Russia. My parents were so proud of me. They considered putting a huge flag on top of the family vehicle with my big black face smiling, sporting a thumbs-up sign. I knew this was going to be embarrassing so I did the only reasonable thing, I burned the family vehicle.

Time slithered on until it viciously bit me on the back of my neck and before I realized it I was rushing to "Sir Seretse Khama Airport" in Gaborone, Botswana. An anxious sweat had made itself comfortable on my forehead. I stormed into the airport with my heavy luggage chasing me, breathing like a fugitive. I made haste to the airline counter to be greeted by the sound of an angry-faced man banging the keyboard of his computer with merciless savagery. He was angry often enough that his face spared him the trouble and developed stagnant wrinkles to convey his sour discourse. As a result, looking angry was his natural state. Strangely, I began to imagine him as the host of some obsolete children's afternoon TV show. A show that, in lieu of entertaining kids, gave them nightmares and caused them irreparable psychological damage.

"Hey monna [man]! The plane is about to go!" He bellowed in his mish-mash of Setswana and English.

"Hey relax man." I replied.

"Wa re relax? [You are telling me to relax?]

He snickered before proceeding to make me remove 90% of the possessions in my bag, 100 percent of which I had never seen. This was impossible! I had strategically packed for weeks. I had even used my patented "Ass Down, Sit down" space saving technique. No matter how full a suitcase is if you sit on in it like Buddha and let gravity take its course you can zip the 'unzippable'. I had used these advanced techniques to reduce my life into the contents of two 50 pound bags. I looked and the snickering man's scale and they weighed closer to 200 pounds each! What happened? This began to reek of the familiar odor of parental interference. This had my mother's handy work written all over it. She had obviously snuck in like a thief in the night and added things into my heavy laden suitcase making it into a behemoth of a bag. I zipped open the bag and began to remove items my mother had added to my bags that I "needed". Here is a list of my mother's "necessities":

1) 2 oversized mink Blankets total weight 8000 pounds.

2) Furry obsolete 40 year old mans sweater.

3) Enough Deodorant to last a full sized elephant 3 years (hint hint!)

4) Several pre 1890 shirts and pants which I have never worn, but for valid reasons.

5) Overtly feminine hair products and facial crème (hey but I'm keeping that!)

I sat in my airline seat deafened by the roar of the engines and pressed against the window like a stress ball. Flying Air France highlighted the reality that seats were ill-designed for people taller than about 3 foot 9 inches. It was as comfortable as riding a horse without a saddle for a few thousand miles - naked. The plane kicked into gear and I could see my little sister Maria's crocodile tears creating a puddle beneath her feet (NB: sibling positioning prevents me from ethically saying anything good about her). My father stood proud and tall with an inflated chest and my mother stared glassy-eyed, in disbelief that her only son was on his way to a distant, alien land. I looked back and I began to realize I would not see my family for a long time. (To be continued)

Preface

This is a text to dispel all myths and let the true message find its way into your hearts. This is by no means meant to exclude Americans, in fact far from it. Too long have i stood by and seen Discovery channel "spearchucker" and "Coming to America" propaganda fill the minds of the masses. So i offer simply the truth. So i have written excerpts from my journals and experiences to help those who will come after me and educate those that seek enlightenment.